


Harry Potter and the Extremely Convoluted Stage Play

by metalhamster



Category: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Fan Characters, Humor, I don't hate poor Ron I swear, Meta humour, Multi, Parody, Please Don't Kill Me, horrible Mary Sue OC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 17:50:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14720795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metalhamster/pseuds/metalhamster
Summary: Eighteen years after the events of the main book series, a new evil is threatening the Potterverse. An evil that cannot be defeated by the usual means...





	1. ACT I

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and it got me inspired to write this silly parody. The only advice I can give to potential readers is to not take any of this seriously.

ACT I

 

Scene 1 – Hogwarts Express

_We see the train from the inside. Witches and wizards come and go. Frisky fairies frolick, mischievous murky-lurkies meander and screwy squirrels scurry by. The entire scene is very magical, as if from another world. Because it is from another world. A magical world._

ALBUS: It’s so unfair! All I told him was that I hated his bloody guts and wished my mother never fucked him. And he grounded me!

SCORPIUS: Dads, mate… they’re all the same. Or exact opposites, I suppose.

ALBUS: How’s your mum by the way?

SCORPIUS *tearful*: She… she’s fine now… because she’s –

ALBUS: Good to hear, dude. Anyway, more about me…

_The train goes on, into a magical world of magic and enchantment._

Scene 2 – Hogwarts School Grounds

_And now we enter time itself. A magical never-world of change and transformation. This scene is all about magic. The magic… of time._

KARL JENKINS OR WHOEVER: Such a stinky, smelly, stupid Slytherin Squib! Suck on a Sphinx’s sour, sun-baked scapula!

HOGWARTS STUDENTS: Good one, Karl! You’ll certainly win the Annual Alliteration Award with this!

ALBUS: Let’s face it, Scorpy. We’re officially the school pariahs.

SCORPIUS *comforting him*: Come on, pal. Being liked by everyone isn’t that important. No matter how popular you are, there’s always someone more popular.

ALBUS: Hmm, this sounds like important advice that will come in handy in the future...

 

Scene 3 – Dream, Privet Drive

_This is not any dream, this is a Wizard Dream TM. Everything is very magical. Extra magical, in fact. The magic levels are off the charts._

VERNON *turns into a frying pan*: I’ll make you pay for this, young man!

YOUNG HARRY: But –

_In this moment, the entire scene changes. It becomes darker, more threatening. Shadows emerge from the corners and spooky noises start coming from backstage. The air itself becomes heavier, like an evil presence is poisoning it. From the shadows, an unmistakable voice starts to speak. And it is terrifying._

VOLDEMORT’S VAGUE BUT VICIOUS VENTRILOQUIST VOICE *whispers*: Hhhaarrryy Poootteeeeerr…

_Well, wasn’t this important bit of story worth an entire scenery change? Now, on to the next scene!_

 

Scene 4 – Harry and Ginny Potter’s House, Bedroom

GINNY: Harry? Are you okay?

HARRY: No.

 

Scene 5 – The Ministry of Magic, Hermione’s Office

_Magic levels are just as expected. That is, very high._

HERMIONE: So, you’re saying that the fact that your scar has been hurting since last night is indicating that Voldemort might return some way, like it did in the fourth book before he finally came back in corporeal form and ordered Peter Pettigrew to kill poor innocent Cedric Diggory who probably wouldn’t have died a gruesome, untimely and senseless death if not for you?

HARRY: Yes, but… y’know, somehow I have this nagging feeling that hadn’t he been murdered, Cedric might have become a Death Eater out of spite and would have changed the entire outcome of the war and helped Voldemort rule the world again, so his death was for the best after all.

HERMIONE: Well, this is certainly convenient if quite a bit unlikely.

HARRY: It gives me a little peace, at least… I mean, my son hates me anyway, so it doesn’t really matter…

HERMIONE *smiles*: Don’t worry, Harry. We’re going to get through this together. As we always have. Because that’s what true friends do. Be there for each other in times of need. Like we always were. Because we are true friends. Who are there for each other.

_She stuffs a croissant into her face and goes out the door._

 

Scene 6 – Ministry of Magic, Harry’s Office

_Magic levels as before._

DRACO *barges in*: I demand you stop those vicious rumours about my son.

HARRY *tiredly*: This again? I told you, Draco, we never said a word about bed wetting –

DRACO: No, I was talking about the new rumours.

HARRY: New rumours?

DRACO *visibly pulls himself together*: All right. I will tell you everything. But you might want to sit down for this.

 

Scene 7 – Dream, Hut-on-the-Rock

PETUNIA: No ’but’s, young man.

YOUNG HARRY: But –

_And in this very moment, the entire scene goes through a scary transformation. The shadows thicken. The darkness deepens. Something evil this way comes. Something evil, bad and decidedly ungood. Then words are spoken. Unmistakable words with an unmistakable meaning. And it is terrifying._

V.V.V.V.V.: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaarrrrrryyyyy Pppoooooooooootttttttttttteeeeeeeeerrr…

_Dun dun duuun!_

 

Scene 8 – The Weasleys’ Old-Timey Magick Shoppe

_This place is, like, the very culmination of enchanted whimsy. Magic here, magic there, magic everywhere. Wondrous wonders and glamorous glamours fill the air with joy and merriment. Occasionally, a faraway explosion mixed with the horrified screams of clients is heard._

RON: And here you can see our assortment of magical sweets: the farting candy, the burping candy, the vomiting candy…

ALBUS *sullenly*: Man, I can’t believe it’s time for our yearly visit of uncle Ron already.

SCORPIUS *grins*: And aren’t you glad I’m here with you?

RON: …the diarrhea candy, the hemorrhage candy, the osteoporosis candy…

ALBUS: Any news about who’s spread those rumours about your mother and Professor Longbottom?

SCORPIUS *shrugs*: Yeah. Turns out it was Rita Skeeter’s daughter, Blatta Skeeter from Witch Weekly.

RON: …the flesh-eating candy, the pestilence candy, the plagues candy…

ALBUS: I’m sorry, Scorpy. It must be hard for you. Not as hard as for me, but second only to that.

SCORPIUS: It’s fine, I guess. I’m used to it. And anyway, she doesn’t have half the talent of her mother. I mean, another stupid unfounded love story involving a popular character from the books? It’s like that woman comes up with her gossip quota in her sleep.

RON: …the blood-sweat-and-tears-candy…

ALBUS: …What did you just say?

SCORPIUS: Shhh! Your uncle is about to finish his tour.

RON: …and last but not least, the thousand years of darkness candy. But that’s not all! In honour of my beloved brother, George…

GEORGE: I’m still alive, Ronald.

RON: I mean, in honour of my other beloved brother, Charlie… I have developed my greatest product yet. Let me introduce you to the B.O.R.E.!

_He pulls a curtain, revealing a perfectly ordinary looking chair._

ALBUS: …Looks fun.

SCORPIUS: What does the acronym stand for?

RON: ’Bane Of Rear Ends’, of course! At first glimpse, it looks like a normal, everyday chair. But when an unsuspecting victim sits on it, the seat transforms into the mouth of a hungry squeeglypoof!

ALBUS: Squeeglypoof?

SCORPIUS: An extremely rare subspecies of arghlebarghlevargh that lives underground. It can grow up to ninety hundred feet, not counting the tail, its most distinctive feature being that it mercilessly devours everything it comes upon.

RON: But that’s not all! For added fun, the fangs of the squeeglypoof were dipped in extra strong centaur venom!

SCORPIUS: But centaurs aren’t venomous.

RON: I didn’t mean venom coming from centaurs, I meant venom used for killing centaurs. Slowly. And painfully.

SCORPIUS: Oh.

ALBUS *facepalm*: Oh for Merlin’s sake –

MYSTERIUS VOICE: Pssst! Over here! Come with me if you want to live!

 

Scene 9 – Back Room of the Magick Shoppe

ALBUS: Thanks for giving us a way ou – WOW!

LABAMBA *smiles*: Hi. I’m Labamba Longbottom. I’m the niece of Neville Longbottom.

SCORPIUS: I’m pretty sure Professor Neville doesn’t have any brothers or sisters.

LABAMBA *winks*: Turns out he does! It’s just that the author forgot to mention it through seven books and has just mentioned it in an exclusive interview.

ALBUS: That’s not suspicious at all! I believe every word you say.

SCORPIUS *raises an eyebrow*: So… why did you help us?

LABAMBA: Out of a sense of kinship, mainly. *bows her head* Blatta’s words hurt us too...

ALBUS: Oh, you poor thing… that must be so horrible for you…

SCORPIUS: For her???

ALBUS: Can we help you in any way?

LABAMBA *smiles sadly*: You are so kind, Albus… maybe we can help each other one day… when you’re a little older… and more, let’s just say, experienced… Anyway, here’s the serial number of my owl… if you *winks* ever need me. *exit*

SCORPIUS: Y’know, sometimes I wonder if there’s a faster, cleaner and easier way to communicate with each other from a distance than birds or fireplaces.

 

Scene 10 – Harry and Ginny Potter’s House

HARRY *awkwardly*: Albus… I thought the two of us may –

ALBUS: Go snog a Dementor, dad. *shuts the door*

GINNY: He’s just a teenager, Harry.

HARRY: That’s one way to put it.

 

Scene 11 – Harry and Ginny Potter’s House, Staircase

_It’s night-time. Albus is sitting on the top of the stairs. From below, Harry and Draco are heard shouting._

HARRY (off stage): What do you expect me to do? It’s called free press, Draco –

DRACO (off stage): Free press my house-elf’s wrinkly ass!

ALBUS and HARRY (off stage): Ew.

DRACO (off stage): …Is this your last word?

HARRY (off stage): Pretty much, yeah.

DRACO (off stage): You have always been a coward, Potter. Also, you are a bad role model and a terrible father. Your wimp of a son could do a better job than you. Good night.

_Somewhere below, a door is slammed. Albus stays there, deep in thought – and finally, an idea is starting to form in his head. A wonderful idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful and most importantly, magical idea._

 

Scene 12 – Dream, Privet Drive

DUDLEY: Hey, Potter, can you tell me a synonym for ’ass’?

YOUNG HARRY: But –

_And then right from the very back of the stage, unmistakable shadows start seeping everywhere. The air itself becomes unmistakable. And right in the middle of this, a voice speaks out. A terrible, frightening, unmistakable voice. Seriously, if you haven’t figured out by now that it’s Voldemort, you are hopeless. And that is terrifying._

V.V.V.V.V.: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy *breathes in* Pppppppooooooooooooooottttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr…

_Afraid yet? Oh, you will be. You. Will. Be._

 

Scene 13 – Library, Hogwarts

ALBUS *showing Scorpius a book*: Look at this illustration, Scorpy! Do you know what this is?

SCORPIUS: Of course. I’m the smart one. Besides, it’s written right here. It’s a dad.

ALBUS: What? No, it’s a Dream-Altering Device.

SCORPIUS: That’s what I said. D.A.D.

ALBUS: …Yeah, I prefer the non-abbreviated version.

SCORPIUS: Dude, you and your complexes –

ALBUS: That’s not the point right now! With this device, you can alter dreams!

SCORPIUS: You don’t say.

ALBUS: I mean, with one of these, we can stop the rumours about your mother!

SCORPIUS: How so?

ALBUS: Remember when you said that it’s as if that Blatta woman made her stories up in her sleep? I figured that was exactly what she did! Made up everything while she was dreaming! So if we change her dreams, then the contents of her gossip column must also change! No more talk about your mother!

SCORPIUS: But how can we get hold of a D.A.D.?

ALBUS: I bet Aunt Hermione owns one! She often helps my dad with his vaguely prophetic dreams!

SCORPIUS: …This sounds incredibly contrived.

ALBUS: More contrived than an entire new prophecy involving multiple variables and several time travels that somehow managed to stay hidden and never make an appearance until it was too late for the good guys to intervene?

SCORPIUS *thinks for a little while*: All right. We can give it a try.

_What are our two mischievous heroes up to? What magical adventures are awaiting them? What mortal perils may they face? We shall see in the next act! But first, an_

 

INTERVAL


	2. ACT II

ACT II

 

Scene 1 – Ministry of Magic, Corridor

SCORPIUS/HARRY: Isn’t it great that there was a magical beverage we could use to alter our appearances for the sake of the plot, not to mention that we have parents who work high-end government jobs directly related to our current goals?

ALBUS/RON: Do you mean the Polyjuice Potion that was clearly established to have to be brewed over the course of a month in the books but works perfectly as it is in this play?

SCORPIUS: Yes, Albus, I mean exactly that! By this well-thought out turn of events, we, two ordinary schoolboys, could easily break into a supposedly heavily guarded government office which, judging by the extremely lax security system, really should have been ransacked ages ago!

ALBUS: Wow! This is all so realistic!

SCORPIUS: Just like this dialogue!

ALBUS: Quick! My aunt is coming!

_Scorpius quickly hides in Hermione’s office. When Hermione tries to enter, Albus blocks her way._

ALBUS: Hi, wife! Let’s make babies!

HERMIONE *dryly*: How typical of you, Ron. Anyway, let me in my office.

ALBUS: No way! There’s – there’s a dangerous bear inside! A wizard bear. Those are extra dangerous.

HERMIONE: Okay. I’m in no way questioning this. I’m smart! *exit*

ALBUS *looking after Hermione*: Funny… I had this passing thought of making out with her…

SCORPIUS: You’re freaking me out, pal. First that Labamba chick, and now your aunt? What’s wrong with you?

ALBUS: Eh, it’s not just me – think about all that implied extramarital sex. It’s almost like the authors were deliberately trying to make the audience as uncomfortable as possible.

SCORPIUS *shakes his head*: We don’t have time for this. Concentrate on finding the D.A.D.!

_To everyone’s surprise, they find it pretty much immediately because of budget restraints._

 

Scene 2 – Dark But Magical Alleyway Outside of the Ministry of Magic

ALBUS: Thank you for meeting up with us, Labamba! By the way, how did you manage to get the required ingredients for the device from Blatta?

LABAMBA *smiles*: I’ll tell you later… maybe when we are in private… and a little more comforta –

SCORPIUS: Okkkay, time to go now. Without you, preferably.

ALBUS: He’s right. The less people enter the dream the better. Otherwise, the dreamscape might become disturbed and do dangerous stuff.

LABAMBA: All right, I will wait for you. Especially for you, my dearest Albus.

ALBUS *reaching for his wand*: Now let’s… hey, what’s in my pocket? *pulls out a bright pink vial* …Oh. Funny, for some reason I thought it was going to be a ring.

SCORPIUS: A love potion? What do you need that for?

ALBUS: Nothing, I got it from Uncle Ron.

SCORPIUS: Dude, your uncle is probably the king of creepy uncles.

ALBUS: I know, right? Anyway, I don’t need it, so –

LABAMBA: I’ll get rid of it, okay? *smiles sweetly* You two naughty, naughty boys go ahead… while I… put this magically alluring substance to… good use…

SCORPIUS *takes two steps back*: Yeah, uh, we really need to go.

LABAMBA *winks*: Bye then! *exit*

ALBUS *sighs*: Isn’t she dreamy?

SCORPIUS: Albus. You’re fourteen. She could be your mother. Or your much, much older sister, at the very least. For the sake of my sanity, stop this.

ALBUS: All right. Let’s get this over with. Ostium oniricum!

_Albus turns the D.A.D., and in the next moment, everything is gone! Reality changes, reality flickers! Magic itself becomes enchanted by time, and time itself becomes enchanted by magic! A flash, a bang, and a hamster on a wheel! Bibbity-bobbity-boo!_

 

Scene 3 – Dreamscape

_In the following scene, Albus and Scorpius are wondering through a whimsical dreamscape full of mysterious doors. They tear about the stage, opening and closing doors, trying to find the one leading to the gossip column. Behind the doors, various bizarre scenarios take place, including pigs flying, Hell freezing over, and Cedric Diggory becoming a Death Eater because of a single humiliating incident. One door reveals a very sculpted Rubeus Hagrid striking a sexy pose, wearing nothing apart from a red G-string. And it is terrifying._

ALBUS and SCORPIUS *covering their eyes*: Aaaaaaaah!!!

_They shut the door and try another one. Behind it, a gigantic McGonagall is seen eating some delicious Muggles._

SCORPIUS: Wait a minute! That… that was my dream from last night! Which means this couldn’t be Blatta Skeeter’s dreamworld!

ALBUS: But what else it could be? Are you saying that YOU were dreaming about Hagrid in a thong?

SCORPIUS *deep in thought*: It’s as if everyone’s dreams got somehow merged together because of too many people entering at once…

ALBUS: That… that means –

_He opens a door and finds Labamba behind it._

LABAMBA: That means I won, suckers! Accio D.A.D.!

ALBUS: You traitor! Give it back!

LABAMBA: Why would I? This is my dream now, boys, so I do whatever the hell I want with it. And you’re stuck here for the rest of your lives. Adios! *shuts the door*

SCORPIUS: It’s stuck! What do we do now, Albus? She’s gonna take over everyone’s dreams!

ALBUS: I have an idea. We just have to find the right door…

 

Scene 4 – Harry and Ginny Potter’s House, Bedroom

_Harry wakes up with a gasp._

GINNY: Another bad dream?

HARRY: It was about Albus… He was floating beside a pink elephant and said… ‘Dear Dad: we’re stuck here. Please help us. Also, I hate you. Go choke on a Troll’s left foot. Bye, Albus.’ Oh, my son…

GINNY: This is peculiar… it’s almost like he was trying to say something.

HARRY: But what?

HERMIONE *bursts in*: Somebody has broken into my office, Harry.

HARRY: Geez, Hermione! I know that my home has practically become a public establishment by now, but at least knock first!

HERMIONE: No time for trivialities! Our dad is missing.

HARRY: But we’re not related.

HERMIONE: Not our dad, our D.A.D.!

GINNY: But Harry… this means… this means that Albus and Scorpius must be in there!

HARRY: In a dream?? Why on Earth would they be in a dream?

HERMIONE: Because of an extremely overcomplicated and unlikely chain of events has led them there. What’s important is that for some reason, they can’t get back and rely on our help. We must enter your dream to save them, Harry. Here, it’s my spare D.A.D. You can use it.

RON *climbs in through the window*: I totally agree with Hermione! Whatever she said.

HARRY: Oh for the love of –

GINNY: They’re right, you know. You must face your fears, Harry. You must enter your dreams.

_They gather round a desperate Harry to give him strength like true companions do. The entire scene is very emotional. Seriously, if you aren’t in tears by the end of it, you’re a monster with no soul. And that is terrifying._

HERMIONE: You don’t have to do this alone, Harry.

RON: And you won’t do this alone!

GINNY: We’ll all be with you.

HERMIONE: Like we always have.

GINNY: Except for those occasions when we haven’t.

RON: Because we are friends.

HERMIONE: Best friends forever.

GINNY: And we will always find a way.

RON: To be there for each other.

HERMIONE: Because that’s what friends do.

RON: That’s what best friends do!

GINNY: Be there for each other in times of nee -

HARRY: Let’s just do this, okay?

_They do that._

 

Scene 5 – Dreamscape

_Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny pop into the scene. They are all in pajamas. Wizard pajamas._

ALBUS: Mum! You came for us!

HARRY: I’m here too, y’know.

SCORPIUS: So much for my dad coming for me…

HARRY: Draco's actor is playing Ron as well, sorry, kid.

GINNY: Let’s not fight each other, boys. It’s time to finally go ho –

_And in this precise moment, the entire dreamscape shifts. Into something different, something threatening, something nightmarish… because it’s a literal nightmare now. And it is terrifying._

V.V.V.V.V.: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy Pppppppppppppoooooooooooootttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee –

HARRY *determined*: All right. What do you want from me? Show yourself!

_Out of the swirling shadows ascends a familiar figure. With his cold, crazed red eyes and snake-like features, he is the most evil, vicious creature a ten-year-old can imagine. And he is terrifying. Seriously, I’m wetting myself while writing this. Be afraid. Boo!_

VOLDEMORT: Hhhaarrry Pootttteeerrr… I neeeeeeed a coughhhhhhh droooooppp… thhroooooooat sooooo sssooooooore…

HARRY: That’s it? Here you go. *gives Voldemort a magical lozenge*

VOLDEMORT *grabs Harry’s hand*: A-ha! Got you!

HARRY: No! *reaches into his pocket*

VOLDEMORT: Wandus Outum of Reachio!

HARRY: My wand! I can’t… reach… it… in my… pocket… somehow…

ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEER: Neither… can… we…

VOLDEMORT *sneers*: You stupid, soft-hearted boy… my throat wasn’t sore at all. This was all part of my plan. And now… it’s time for you to fulfill your real destiny.

_In this moment, Voldemort goes through a frightening transformation. His gruesome exterior melts away and gives way to a certain beautiful young woman with flowing platinum, gold, silver, copper and mercury hair. She tosses it like there is no tomorrow. And it is – quelle surprise – terrifying._

ALBUS and SCORPIUS: Labamba!

LABAMBA: Harry Potter… you are my father.

HARRY: *blinks*: …This is pretty much the last thing I was expecting to hear.

LABAMBA: I was born of the will of a million disappointed readers all over the world… Boys and girls, men and women, and everyone in between… Avid bookworms, bright-eyed children, dreamy teenagers and slightly infantile adults… People who were all waiting for the happiest of endings to happen, but were viciously betrayed… I am the one who will set things right… I am the one who will bring balance to the canon… I am Labamba, the daughter of Harry Potter and Hermione Granger!!!

_Silence. Heavy, extremely uncomfortable, and slightly fan fiction-shaped silence._

HERMIONE, RON and GINNY: What???

HARRY *desperate whisper*: No… nooo… it cannot be…

LABAMBA: Search your feelings, father… You know in your heart it’s true. It must be true. Rita Skeeter wanted it. All the fans want it. Even the author wants it. She said it herself.

RON *heartbroken*: Hermione… is it… is any of this true?

HERMIONE: No… I… I’d never… well, maybe if Harry worked out a little more and grew a –

RON: Nooooooo! *falls to the floor, whimpering*

LABAMBA: Oh grow up. Nobody likes you anyway.

HERMIONE: But how can you fly if you are our child? Neither of us possesses that ability!

LABAMBA: Oh, that’s because of an in-universe loophole the authors made up like five minutes ago for the sake of flashy drama.

HERMIONE and SCORPIUS: Really? That sounds interesting!

_Beat. Hermione and Scorpius look at each other, and a moment of understanding passes between them. Something… something magical has begun._

ALBUS: Eww! This is creepy! And look who’s saying that!

LABAMBA: I agree, this is a bit too much, even for me. *points her wand at Hermione* Time for you to discover your true feelings and get together with Harry.

HARRY: But I love Ginny!

HERMIONE: And I don’t like Harry that way!

LABAMBA *with a wicked smile*: Oh really? *pulls out a bright pink vial* We will see about that.

ALBUS *gasps*: The love potion!

LABAMBA: Oh yes… your unworthy son has brought it to me… and now you’re going to drink it.

HARRY and HERMIONE: Never!

LABAMBA: You’d rather I killed Ginny and Ron? ’Cause I can totally do that.

HARRY: Okay, okay, I’ll drink it! Just don’t hurt Ginny!

HERMIONE: Yeah, leave Ginny alone!

HARRY *looking at his wife for possibly the last time*: I’m sorry, Ginny…

GINNY: Harry…

LABAMBA *smiles*: Don’t worry, sweetie, he’ll forget you. As we all will. After all, you were never that popular to begin with.

ALBUS *whispers*: That’s it! I know! I know how we can defeat Labamba!

SCORPIUS: You do??

ALBUS: Come with me.

_They escape hurriedly through a back door that nobody has paid attention to so far. Harry and Hermione close their eyes and tearfully drink the love potion. Meanwhile, from the back of the auditorium, dark shapes begin to crawl out ominously. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, they become more and more solid, until they take the ghastly form of Fangirls. They close up on the heroes to suck out their very souls until they are nothing more than empty husks, mere playthings which could be twisted and turned at will._

_And it is terrifying._

 

Scene 6 – Nightmarescape

_Shapes in dark robes swirl around the stage, under the floating form of Labamba. They are cold, they are cruel, they are merciless... and most of all, they are terrifying._

FANGIRLS *scream*: We love you, Labamba!

LABAMBA *cackles*: Yes… yeees… I can feel it… I am the most popular character in the entire universe! I am the Money-Maker, the Cow that is Made of Cash, the Pillar of the Franchise… Ahahahahaha!!!

_In this moment, the back door bursts open and Albus and Scorpius emerge from it, dragging a very reluctant Snape with them._

FANGIRLS *collective gasp*: Is that… Oh my Rowling… is that really…

SNAPE: I give you one more second to let go of me, before I –

FANGIRLS *squeal*: SNAAAPE!!!

LABAMBA *turns around, irritatedly*: What now?

SNAPE *looks around*: Ah, Mr. Potter. With all of your… friends, I presume. May I ask why I was dragged into this heartwarming reunion?

FANGIRLS: We don’t care as long as you don’t leave us again, sweetheart!

LABAMBA *clears her throat*: So, as I was saying –

FANGIRL 1: Oh, Snape! Marry me!

FANGIRL 2: No, me!

FANGIRL 3: No, meee!

LABAMBA *frowns*: Um, excuse me? I’m having a villainous monologue here!

FANGIRLS: Shut up! SNAAAPE!

_The tide seems to be unstoppable now. Knickers, thongs and boxer shorts fly onto the stage. Young maidens collapse on the floor, pulling out their hair and frothing at the mouth. The squealing reaches a deafening level. And frankly, it is terrifying._

SNAPE: Ladies, ladies… and gentlemen…

LABAMBA *stomps*: Stop this instant! This is my dream!

ALBUS *grinning*: Nu-uh, not anymore.

SCORPIUS: Looks like the popularity contest isn’t over yet.

LABAMBA *furious*: Oh yes it is. *pulls out her wand* Avada Kedavra!

SNAPE *to the fangirls*: Don’t… look… at… me... *dies*

FANGIRLS: NOOOOOOOOO!!! What have you done??! Not our Snape, you bitch!

_The mass of Fangirls reaches out onto the stage and grabs Labamba. They drag her down, kicking and screaming, until nothing can be seen of her. The swirling mass becomes more and more agitated until finally it explodes in a massive mushroom cloud of hysteria. And then…_

_And then everything falls silent. As if the world itself has ended. As if everything was in vain. As if our heroes… dare I say it? Oh no. Dear Audience, I just can’t bring myself to say any more. This is all very tense. And a little hopeful. And more than a little overwritten._

 

Scene 7 – Harry and Ginny Potter’s House, Front Yard

_Oh, of course they weren’t dead. Like I would do that._

HARRY *comes round*: …My head… it hurts everywhere… *it hits him* Everywhere except for my scar! What happened?

HERMIONE: We… we’re saved!

RON: Unlike my marriage, it seems.

ALBUS: Labamba! Is she still alive?

SCORPIUS: I’d say yes… except that it was never Labamba, but someone else entirely! At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but that *shivers* dream about Hagrid made me realise who she was all along: Blatta Skeeter, the columnist of Witch Weekly!

BLATTA: I… I just wanted to be worthy of my mother… to make her happy…

ALBUS: What now? Do we… do we kill her, dad?

HARRY: What? No, we’re the good guys, remember? We’ll just let her very soul be sucked out, leaving her as an empty shell for the rest of her life. That’s the family-friendly solution!

ALBUS *tearfully*: I love you, dad.

HARRY: I love you too, son.

_They watch side by side as two muscle-bound Dementor hitmen grab Blatta and start dragging her away._

BLATTA: No… nooo! This cannot be! I’m beloved! I’m popular! I am the best! Nooooo! *exit via Dementor grasp*

ALBUS: No matter how popular you are…

SCORPIUS: …there is always someone more popular.

DUMBLEDORE *waves*: And that’s our lesson for the day, kids!

_Everybody burts into a hearty laughter. It drowns out the hellish screams of Blatta as the Dementors mercilessly drag her to a fate worse than death. And it is magical._

 

Scene 8 – Hogwarts Ground

ALBUS: I can’t believe you asked Rose out!

SCORPIUS: And I can’t believe you asked out a girl who wasn’t ten years your elder or your relative!

ALBUS: We have succesfully reinforced the pervasive idea that teenage romance is the most important and lasting of all!

SCORPIUS: As well as firmly established our heterosexuality!

_Speaking of heterosexuality…_

 

Scene 9 – Ministry of Magic, Harry’s Office

DUMBLEDORE: Never forget, Harry: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now, I must go, I’ve heard that Grindenwald’s portrait is free this evening.

HARRY *smiles*: Oh, you’re planning on going on a date at last?

DUMBLEDORE: What? No, he is „free” as in, ’he doesn’t charge anything’ on Hallow’s Eve.

HARRY: I… REALLY didn’t need to hear that.

DUMBLEDORE *winks*: Too late! *exit*

_And all is well once again in the Potter household…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…or is it??? Find out in the next book,_ Harry Potter and the Magically Uninspired Sequel _!_


	3. Bonus Scene!

Super Secret Bonus After-the End-Credits Scene – The Weasleys’ Old-Timey Magick Shoppe

_And once again, the magic meters are off the roof! You can practically chew on the whimsy and enchantment, it’s so thick. The entire scene is very comical._

WIZARD POLICE OFFICER: Mr. Weasley? We’d like to have a word with you. About those date rape drugs you are selling to minors.

RON: By all means, officer. Please take a seat.

WIZARD POLICE OFFICER: Thank you.

_The moment the Wizard Police Officer sits down, the chair seat turns into a gigantic mouth full of sharp fangs and swallows him whole._

WIZARD POLICE OFFICER (off stage): Help! Oh sweet Merlin, heeelp! I’m being eaten alive! Please, no more! By Dobby’s nipples, the pain is unbearable! Just end my suffering! Heeeeeeeeee…

_His voice is slowly drowned out by loud chewing and swallowing noises._

RON: Blimey! I told Fred not to move the office chairs around!

FRED: I’m dead, Ronald.

_Cue the laugh track._

 

 

THE END


End file.
